Confessions of A Working Girl

Sometimes I feel like I just don’t know anything anymore. And here I should put some witty comment about how knowing that you know nothing is the first step to learning, but I’m just too tired. Not really physically tired for a change, more…emotionally.

First was the earthquake way back in March, and then just a few days ago, Hurricane Irene. Stuff like these natural disasters leave me confused and feeling like an awful selfish human being. I mean, they’re sad and all, and I’m really sorry for the people who have lost everything–I would hate it if that happened to me–but at the same time, I think, oh, I’m ok, no big deal. It was a big deal though, and so many people were hurt and lost so much and all I can do is be selfishly glad that I’m not one of them. It makes me feel guilty for being that way, even though humans as a species are basically selfish creatures anyways.

For example (and I read this somewhere) humans are born only knowing how to want. Kinder emotions like sympathy and empathy and all that stuff is learned, not ingrained. Is that the truth? I don’t know, but when I take a look around me, I think I can see enough evidence that speaks for itself.

This morning, I heard a ruckus outside my window, a murder of crows, or whatever it is they’re called. A little while after that, when I went to class, I saw a crow lying on the grass under a tree. It didn’t move…I didn’t have a chance to look closer but it appeared to be dead. I should have remembered that crows in general–and especially a dead crow–would be an omen. Because about thirty minutes ago…I got a call from my parents today…they got a call from my cousin…apparently my aunt died last night. She’d been sick with cancer for something like two or three years, so it wasn’t completely unexpected. But because she lived down in Texas whereas we live in New England, we didn’t get to see her all that often, and in some ways, that just makes it worse somehow.

So I’m sitting here all upset (and there’s another example of selfishness…I’m probably crying about the same amount for the fact that she died relatively young as I am for the fact that I’m never going to get to see her again.) And at the same time, I’m trying to imagine just what my mom, my other aunt, my cousins and my nana are feeling. And that doesn’t help at all. I just end up feeling worse, and then sort of guilty that I feel that way.

Anyway, I’m supposed to be meeting my friends for dinner. If I don’t, I’ll probably get hungry later…people are like that. And perhaps its not a bad thing, but at the same time…