Confessions of A Working Girl

So, here it is, Saturday. The first week of classes is over. Valerie and I still get along. And I do have a little homework. But that’s what’s bugging me.

I only have one assaignment that is due Monday. Two that are due Tuesday–but one of those is reading, and that will take all of 30 minutes once I start. Valerie is sitting next to me doing homework, and that makes me worry. Should I have more to do? Or is it just that, I still don’t know how to study, and don’t really count that as homework? If that’s true, I’m probably going to be in trouble a little later in the semester…

I’m so confused. I missed my friends terribly all summer. And yet, today I decided not to see them. I could have met them for dinner, and walked to a local farmer’s market with them, but I was like “Nah, I have a paper to write.” A paper, I might point out, that I don’t know when is due, and is probably not due till tomorrow at least. It is true that I have other homework, but that isn’t due till next week.

So I’m confused with myself. Why does it seem that I get close to people a bit, then start to push them away again? And I generally don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s done. It’s sort of unconscious then, the pushing people away. It is true that I have to make a little bit of an effort to talk to strangers, but I manage! When I need to, I can interrupt random people and ask them what they thought of convocation.

See, I work for the school paper–which I like to do–and I was supposed to cover convocation. I mean, I did! But I only got two quotes. One from a random girl I asked and one from  Vivien. I may be able to get one from my friend (one of the ones I pushed away slightly today) because she went to convocation.

Listening to the music outside, I sorta wish that I had gone with my friends. But I can’t quite convince myself to call them. Or to go down and listen to the music. One semester of psychology makes me diagnose myself as “being afraid of rejection”. But if that’s so and I know it, shouldn’t that mean that I’d work harder at it? Or…

I hate being emotional. I sit here, doubting myself, and it’s almost getting to where I can’t stand it. I know, I know, it should be easy to fix. After all, they’re my emotions right? I should be able to do something about them. But what no one seems to understand, is that I really do try to. But somehow…the emotions all twist up and then I’m lost in them, not having a clue as to what I actually feel–and of course, no idea how to deal with them.

It brings to mind the time a few years ago when I went to see a psychologist. She was not a very good one, in my opinion. Maybe what she did worked for other people, but not for me. I mean, first of all, I felt like I couldn’t tell her anything! I’ve written more in this online journal here than I’d ever told her. And, I still have a bunch of my stuffed animals from when I was little. And she was just like “Throw them out. You’re too old for that kind of stuff.”o.O My parents weren’t very happy with that either.

But anyways, what I was reminded of was that every time I came in, she’d ask me what I was feeling. And I had to look at the chart on the wall and pinpoint the exact emotions I was feeling. It was really hard, and most of the time, I missed a few. But sometimes, I wouldn’t be feeling anything. I mean, I’d be there, well aware of everything that was happening, but I wasn’t feeling anything. In a way, just like white is the absence of color, what I feel then, what I call the “blank” feeling, is the absence of emotion. The psychologist claimed that there was no such thing as the absence of emotion, that I could not possibly be feeling “blank” or “no emotion.” Considering that she seemed to be wrong about other things, I wonder if she was wrong about that as well? And if she was…why exactly do I sometimes have this “absence of emotion”, and is it in any way actually healthy?

Anyway, my friends from school are “Sai” and “Arra”. They were the ones that I didn’t go with to the farmer’s market today. I met them both last year. Sai I met during the early program that the school offers, and Arra I met at some orientation type activity soon after everyone else came back to campus. I feel bad when I end up pushing them away a little. They’re really nice people.

And they make me laugh. See, I’m a little random when I talk sometimes. So what they do, if we’re at dinner, is to build a “wall”. The wall is basically a line of salt and pepper shakers and napkin holders and plates and cups. But it “separates” me from them.  We laugh about it…especially if Arra or Sai is sitting next to me when the “wall” goes up–’cause then they’re on the ‘wrong’ side!

There’s something about traveling back and forth. The leaving of one place is odd, the middle (the actual traveling) is odd, but once you reach your destination, it takes very little time for you to become comfortable in your new surroundings. After that long drive, and a night at a hotel, I am now back at school.

I got to meet my roommate–her name (in this journal anyway) is “Vivien”. She seems nice, and so far (all of one day. ;P ) we seem to get along. This might just work better than with any of my roommates last year. I hope so, especially since it already seems that the suite will be the same. That is, me (and possibly Vivien) hiding in our room because the suitemates are loud and rambunctious and bring in more of the same type of people. Sheesh.

The way people act sometimes, its as if they have no respect for others. Either that, or they (Like my brother Jin) have a hugely inflated deal of self importance, and that’s why they never consider that other people may be affected by their actions. Maybe it’s just the age (teenagers). Or possibly, I’m reading too much into it. After all, it is our first night…maybe they’ll be quieter once they’re used to living in the dorm.

I love my college. But I’ve decided that the drive to get there, I don’t like so much. My mom and I (in two separate cars) left our house at 11:00 this morning. We didn’t reach the town near the school until about 6:15!

If I look at the stops we made, I suppose it makes sense–after all, it took us about two hours for a lunch break, partially because I’d ended up twenty minutes ahead of my mom.

The Staples near my house was having a “free pc checkup” type thing, so I thought “why not?” My computer had been really slow and stupid lately. So I dropped off the computer. Two days later, I get a phone call saying they checked it—and it had major security risks on it. That didn’t sound good! I use my computer to check my bank balance and credit card balance and stuff.

They said that they could take the security risk stuff off—for $89. I was like O.O Plus, they couldn’t do it by Saturday anyway.  So, I decided to bring the computer with me to school anyway, and see if IT will fix it for less than that–or for free, which, of course, would be even better! I still have my old one too. That I’ll bring in case the other can’t be fixed. Because, much as I’d like a new computer, I really don’t have the $300 or so it would cost.

On a happier note, I go back to school tomorrow! My mom and I are driving up tomorrow, because the dorms open at 10:00 am on Sunday. It’s a 5 hour drive, so there is no possible way that I would be waking up early enough on Sunday to make a 5 hour drive. Therefore, my mom and I go up a day early, and only have a 20-40 minute drive to the school the next morning. Plus, that way I will hopefully be all unpacked by my 8 am class Monday morning.

Oh, and I got a new roommate! So far, I’ve only talked to her on the phone, but she sounds really nice. Maybe she’ll stay longer than the other three roommates did?

I had the “cast party” for the summer play yesterday. I’m always surprised when they give me things–they don’t have to. But it’s sorta nice. I got a couple of giftcards, a couple of candles that smell like ceder (a very good scent, I think) and a tiny mug that says “I (heart) my friend” I was like awww.